Is it me or is it you?

That’s always the question when you can’t get pregnant isn’t it? Who’s to “blame”?  In my mind there is no person at fault it’s a journey we’re on together and using emotional energy to either pass the buck or be the scapegoat isn’t for me. It makes me cringe when I hear of people saying “well it’s not my fault”.  However I think we are lucky in that neither of us are prime breeding stock and had we hooked up with someone else more fertile we may have been the weak link.  Would that have made it easier? I don’t think so this journey is rubbish and tough whatever the reason.

That’s not to say that our house has been all sweetness and light during the last 3 years.  I went through a particularly bad few months when I properly blamed myself, begged Villa Boy to run off with someone fertile and not waste his time on me, I’m sure if you’ve been there you get the picture.  He was fantastic a real rock and made me really appreciate what we have.  Told me to get a grip and we’d get there eventually.

However we were quite a long way through the testing process before anyone bothered to test Villa Boy.  The theory being that because we had multiple miscarriages as his mad GP said “it’s unlikely to be your fault is it?”, he went onto ask why he was even bothering to request a testing pot.  Luckily Villa Boy did suggest that mad GP might not want to say that in front of me!  His first sample showed that actually he wasn’t producing super sperm and added to my issues he wasn’t really helping the whole proceedings!

This hit him really hard, as I think he was such a rock as he felt that it wasn’t his fault, whereas when he realised he wasn’t helping he found it hard to be as positive.  Which also led to a few discussions where I was all like, “well it’s fine it’s both of us” and he was “no it’s not fine it just makes it harder”, of course not always being rational and calm this may have led to me being a bit huffy, but we survived.  However it was a bad few months, which I may touch on when I am feeling braver and is one of the reasons I plan to be very anonymous on this blog as I think what we went through is not uncommon but isn’t talked about.

I would never chose to be infertile but wow in our case it’s the best thing for pulling you together, it’s made me realise how rock solid our relationship is, I’ve seen sides of Villa Boy I probably wouldn’t have and they have all been good. If we can survive this anything else has got to be easier!  I hope other people are as lucky!


About thebarrenyears

I'm a 30 something girl trying and failing to get pregnant.
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