Humiliation

Humiliation:
1. The act of humiliating; degradation.
2. The state of being humiliated or disgraced; shame.
3. A humiliating condition or circumstance.

It’s an odd thing but the thing I feel most about being infertile is the humiliation. The embarrassment of not being able to do what others take for granted. Humiliated that they somehow look down on me for not being as clever as them. Embarrassed that they may feel pity for us. Humiliated that I have spent years eating well, exercising whilst others haven’t and yet my body hasn’t respected me in the way I respected it. Mortified that friends may feel they have to tip toe around us, or not be able to be excited around us when they get pregnant. Disgraced that sometimes it all gets too much and I feel anger and bitterness towards people that I consider friends.

And yet I didn’t feel any of those negative things about other people before we were infertile. I didn’t think they were less of a person because of their inability to conceive. I would have felt dreadful if they had said to me that was what they thought people thought of them. It wouldn’t have crossed my mind to judge them, yet that’s what I feel everyone is doing to me. Being a girl can be very complicated sometimes

I have to admit that it is better now than it was 12 months ago, I have better coping mechanisms, one of which is telling Villa Boy how I feel of course he tells me how ridiculous it is and somehow that makes the bad thoughts disperse just that little bit quicker. The other one was that by tracking my cycle I realised that I felt the most despair just before I ovulated (how evil is mother nature?!), somehow that helped a little.

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About thebarrenyears

I'm a 30 something girl trying and failing to get pregnant.
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