Losing my religion…

Not sure I ever had a religion to lose to be honest but that doesn’t make such a good title does it? As Michelle Dugger announced her 20th pregnancy and as ever attributes it to god’s will it got me thinking… why?

I have a funny relationship with religion, I am quite agnostic but I love a good church service on a special occasion. I think had I met someone who did believe I could have quite happily embraced a local church and who knows whether I would have become a fully paid up member. However I didn’t so I am happy to attend the usual hatches, matches, dispatches services and would go at Christmas if circumstances allow but don’t feel the desire to drag myself away from Tim Lovejoy and “Something for the Weekend” on a Sunday morning!

However I don’t think it matters what your faith is infertility has got to test it to the limits. I mean if whoever you prey to loves everyone equally how come he (or she!) distributes out the babies so unfairly, how is it right for anyone to be blessed 20 times when some of us would be happy with just 1?

I am also not so centred and self obsessed to think that infertility is the biggest of the world’s problems, and that mine is important enough for someone who runs the universe to be concerned with! But then we’re all important aren’t we? isn’t that what religion teaches us? so therefore if there is someone up there playing some sort of board game with our lives, then surely my infertility must have popped up on their to do list somewhere along the line!

Ah I hear you believers say nothing in our lives is given to us that we can’t cope with, and sometimes we need to have the tough times to understand and appreciate what we have. Well if that’s OK can I admit that I think I’ve had my share now? The miscarriages, the infertility, the failed ivf – I get that maybe these were my lessons in how much I really wanted a baby, a test to show how much my relationship with Villa Boy could stand, maybe a test to see if I could be converted to being a regular church goer? I get this but now I’ve had enough, if there is a god I think it’s time for my infertility journey to end, I’ve reached rock bottom, I’ve tested every relationship I have enough is enough. Hey I can’t think about anything else but infertility I don’t have time to ponder whether I am religious or not because my brain is full of infertility stuff, if I had a baby possibly I could question my faith a little bit more as I might have the capacity to think about different things.

Ah maybe it’s because I don’t believe, that’s the reason I haven’t been blessed, that’s what you’re thinking isn’t it?.. have a little faith Barrenyears and your fertility will be restored! Do you think that would work? I have to admit to pondering whether a bit of church going might be the thing that kick starts my ovaries and transforms Villa Boy’s sperm. That’s a bit mad isn’t it?

It’s not as easy as that though is it? I mean if it were then people would discuss it more, trashy magazines would be full of “I re-discovered my faith and bam I was pregnant” stories. Those friends that tell you to relax would be telling you to rediscover your faith, the places of worship would be full to bursting. IVF clinics would set themselves up in churches, or temples, or synagogues, well any place of worship really and offer a blessing with egg collection and transfer. Hey if it worked the NHS would make it a condition of treatment!

It’s hard though, obviously I feel I have to hedge my bets so despite my agnostic views, and Villa Boy’s atheist stance I will admit to a few silent prayers over the last 3 years, a few deals with god – if this works I’ll never ask for anything again, I am sure you all know the type of things. Feels silly to admit that but I know I’m not alone, I know that every infertile women wishes on stars, stones, books, last night’s dinner, you suggest it I’ll try it! Sad isn’t it… you’d think if there was a higher power he’d listen and help all these desperate people full of love!


About thebarrenyears

I'm a 30 something girl trying and failing to get pregnant.
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One Response to Losing my religion…

  1. Lala says:

    I am so sorry you’re having a crisis of faith. Despite your not being of any specific religion, a core belief in SOMETHING is still hard to lose.

    I lost my faith in any higher power completely during my infertility journey. I was raised Church of Christ, started questioning that in my pre-teens and eventually settled into a non-christian belief system that was a bit of a cafeteria style assortment of many different belief systems… but I believed there was something, and that all life had a purpose and that crap that happened was a learning experience. I still had faith in good things coming from bad and trying to be the best person I could be. But I lost even that faith over the years.

    I did get to the bargaining, the praying the begging… and nothing ever happened. I never even got a false positive or got to think I was pregnant for even a minute in the years we were trying.

    I truly believe that there is nothing – no higher power, no karma, no reason why one person is denied and another blessed. It’s actually kind of a cold comfort in that at least it isn’t anything/anyone up there that decided that you don’t deserve something that you long for with your whole being, while gifting the same to someone that has it already or didn’t want it in the first place… it’s all completely random and nothing you did or didn’t do. There is no “lesson to be learned” or “right time” for it to happen… it will if it’s going to, but sometimes it won’t, and that is just life.

    I am a full-on atheist now, and my husband pretty much always has been one.

    I do miss the ability to believe tho. I envy those that have a never-wavering faith in a higher power. I just don’t believe it anymore because there are too many other reasons to not believe and my infertility was just the straw that broke that camel’s back. It is a bit like finding out that Santa and the Easter Bunny and unicorns aren’t real. I’m not trying to trivialize it by saying that… I remember finding out that Santa was a fake quite clearly, and I was quite upset. That probably was the impetus for looking at my religious teachings and beginning to question those as well.

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