Looking for the silver lining

Is there a silver lining in having a miscarriage post ivf treatment? A friend who lives in my computer was questioning whether she should be pleased her ivf had worked even though she miscarried. Obviously at the moment she can’t see that having a miscarriage is good in any shape or form and I’m with her frankly it’s not something you would wish for anyone to go through. Yet it worked everything did what it should, that is the good news. The embryo didn’t develop so obviously that’s the bad. But it obviously is a good thing that her body knew what to do and tried. I really hope next time it will go the whole 9 months. Especially as there is apparently some evidence to suggest that a previous pregnancy means that ivf has a slightly greater chance of success. So fingers crossed that this is a good sign for next time a silver lining in the dark cloud.

We had an infertile new years eve 3 years ago with 2 other couples, 1 had a child despite being told that his sperm count was rubbish when he went to freeze some pre chemotherapy. The other were about to embark on their 3rd round of ivf which wasn’t successful, however they got pregnant naturally about a year later. That year we had just had our 3rd pregnancy end. Obviously dinner talk turned to fertility and we discussed whether never getting a positive pregnancy test was better or worse than getting one and then losing it. I actually thought it was harder to never have had that hope and that somehow those few weeks of positivity are what keeps you going. You have a glimpse of why you are putting yourselves through this effort and heartache, the joy and excitement of maybe this being it, you might get there this time. The guys that hadn’t had one thought actually at least if you don’t have that hope and glimpse of the future you know where you stand. However we concluded over much wine that actually both situations were pretty rubbish. You wouldn’t really choose to go through either would you? And you wouldn’t wish either on anyone, be they a friend or enemy would you, or at least I wouldn’t!


About thebarrenyears

I'm a 30 something girl trying and failing to get pregnant.
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2 Responses to Looking for the silver lining

  1. Jah. says:

    I have had this same debate a few times now (either mentally or with my DH). I cannot decide which is worst. I cannot imagine finally learning that I’m pregnant only to have a miscarriage later (or maybe worse, find out during a routine scan that the pregnancy is/was not viable), but I imagine it to be truly indescribably awful. When I am secretly (but extremely) honest with myself, I have to admit that, at this time in my TTC journey, I believe never getting pregnant at all is worse. Going month after month never knowing if it is possible, never knowing if the next month will be it, or if you are better off hanging up your hat because it will never happen. The struggle to have hope and remain optimistic or count yourself out before even playing the next cycle’s game so that you aren’t so disappointed when you lose once again. BUT — I know it is so easy to speculate when it is a bridge I’ve never crossed. As someone who has never gotten pregnant (at least I don’t think) and therefore never had a pregnancy to miscarry, I really cannot say how I’d feel if I lost a pregnancy. I don’t want to find out, I truly don’t. But I do want to have that experience of getting pregnant, even if there is a risk, as there always is with any pregnancy, that I would lose it.

    • Oh Jah I think both scenarios are the pits. In some ways miscarrying is hideous but somehow breaks the whole monotony of the cycle and of course there’s always the “you’re more fertile straight after a miscarriage” hope as well. I have done both 3 pregnancies with no baby at the end and now 2 years of nothing, no one should have to do either. The fact that most people seem to get there eventually is the glimmer of hope I cling too, fingers crossed its true for both of us x

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