When friends go bad….

This 2 week wait is giving me bad flashbacks to our last one. Our last IVF treatment meant that we had to re-arrange our holiday plans and leave a few days later than scheduled, which was fine as we were only going to Villa Boy’s parents holiday home. Before we knew when our treatment was some friends had suggested camping on the campsite adjacent and sharing what should have been the last few days of our holiday which had seemed like a great idea. However on the day after our egg collection they called to say they were already there and had something to tell us, yep you’ve guessed they were pregnant. We explained that we weren’t there and why. As the weather was rubbish they asked if they could stay in the house whilst we weren’t there instead of camping. Obviously Villa Boy said yes. We digested their news and were happy for them, She has had a lot of mental health issues, drinks and smokes a lot and so generally to be in the right space to ttc and then for it to work so quickly was great news.

We then drove down 24 hours after Embryo transfer ready for a week of chilling and catching up. Oh how wrong we were, the pregnancy selfish hormones were in abundance. Our holiday was, for me ruined and for Villa Boy difficult. Her crime was not to be pregnant but to be unthinking and uncaring, selfish and down right rude. Highlights included moaning at every meal about the “vast” list of things she couldn’t eat, moaning she couldn’t have any alcohol, complaining how unfair it was she could only have 1 glass of coke a day (pre pregnancy she drank litres per day), asking me about my bad 12 week scans and then declaring that she couldn’t change anything so she had more important things to worry about, suggesting I should maybe relax and lose some weight and I might get pregnant as easily as she had. One evening she suggested her, her husband and Villa Boy went for a walk to a pub with the dog and then I go and pick them up when they were ready (I said no to this, well the picking up, they were welcome to go!). They never moved out the house either so they and their badly behaved spoilt dog basically ruled the roost. I spent the vast majority of the time in the bedroom, hiding away. It was miserable for both me and Villa Boy, although Villa Boy wasn’t so bothered by it. I wasn’t a shining example of good behaviour and did snap on a couple of occasions but I can honestly say the few days they were there were the most miserable I had felt during the whole infertility journey for a long long time. Her behaviour has also had a legacy in that I think everyone thinks I am just being a drama queen and making a mountain out of a molehill, as Smug obviously thought that. In rational times I know this not to be true but mad thoughts stick and are hard to get rid of!

Ironically she gave birth on the day that we found out I wasn’t responding to the last round of ivf so that whole segment of life is bookended nicely! I haven’t seen her since the holiday, although Villa Boy has and i am happy with that arrangement going forward although he isn’t.

Interestingly when I have embarrassingly explained to friends how I went a bit mad during the last 2 week wait and how I reacted to her behaviour those that know her have all said, “well she is very self centred at the best of times.”. It makes me feel a bit better but I have a big ball of internal anger towards her that I need to get rid of and am not sure how to. I bought a card and got Villa boy to write and send it as I couldn’t quite bring myself to write a cheery message.

That rant aside it made me think Smug’s behaviour is not unusual in that those pregnancy hormones do seen to make people re-assess acceptable social behaviour. Somehow being pregnant makes you an expert on fertility, even those who scarily aren’t very well versed on the basics. It also seems to make it OK for only your feelings to matter. I try to not discuss what happened to us with people who are pregnant as I think that unless you have to deal with it there is no need to have additional things to worry about, pregnant people seem to have no such qualms about discussing things with me. For example the comment about my weight, it hurt as I put on a lot of weight with my 1st pregnancy and it took 2 years to lose it but by the time we started our IVF treatment last summer I was back to my “usual” dress size which is a 12 same as its been since I was 21. Smug knew about this battle and also could blatantly see I had lost weight, yet still felt able to comment as she was pregnant.

We often give advice to people struggling with infertility to concentrate on themselves and not worry about other people but I don’t believe the two are completely incompatible. Certainly putting yourself first doesn’t mean being rude or inconsiderate in my mind I also appreciate that the early weeks of pregnancy are hard, hell I really know I’ve done it 3 times without the happy ending! But again surely sparing a thought for other peoples feelings is still possible? Again I know I managed to. I know that eventually I will see Smug again as it means a lot to Villa Boy that I forgive and forget. However I will never consider her a close friend again, she’s not the only friend I’ve lost on this journey, I hope she’s the last but you can never tell! On the other hand I have had amazing support from friends that prior to this journey I would have considered acquaintances it’s amazing how sometimes things aren’t what they seem.


About thebarrenyears

I'm a 30 something girl trying and failing to get pregnant.
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6 Responses to When friends go bad….

  1. Wow! What an ordeal. It really is unimaginable to me. I cannot imagine treating someone, anyone, the way she treated you. Not just the passing comments we get from friends time to time, but blatant, openly rude comments day in and day out. I wouldn’t be able to be her friend either. I feel like I can only be around people who support me and love me, even if we are in completely different phases of life. I’m glad you have a lot of good support through other friends. Hang in there. I know how trying those 2 week waits can be. Sometimes they seem to go by all too slow.

  2. Oh sweetheart – if YOU don’t want to forgive and forget then don’t force yourself to

    From what I’ve read she isn’t the sort of person you want to carry on spending time with – utterly toxic and self obsessed

    I think some people just cannot understand that there are other experiences than falling pregnant straight away and having an uncomplicated pregnancy and so cannot understand that it is hard for others. I’m still struggling with comments about how I’m lucky to keep getting pregnant – yes lucky, sadly unlucky to not manage to keep being pregnant but hey that bits seems to elude people

    I have my fingers and toes firmly crossed for you during this 2WW

  3. msfertility says:

    I’m crossing my fingers for your TWW! I’m in mine, too, and trying really hard to be patient – something that really does not come naturally to me!

    As for horrible & selfish things people say – I could write a book! Last Summer I was at a bbq where this incredibly pregnant (and heavily tattooed) woman was complaining loudly about how she hated being pregnant with twin girls and couldn’t wait to get them out. I gently suggested to her that there were people who would love to be in her position and that my husband and I had been trying to have a baby for some time. She actually had the gumption to say to me, “Well why don’t you do a bunch of coke and get drunk? That’s how it happened with us!” And I was stunned into speechlessness. I looked up at the sky and thought to myself, “Really, God? Really?!”

  4. Enduring infertility in a sea of fertile people is miserable. There is no way around it. As if there is any advice you can hear that you haven’t already fully explored. So. Frustrating.

    I’m thinking of you every day.

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