Of things we should not speak

I been pondering about posting this for ages but I think I should, it’s not comfortable reading but it was a horrible part of our ttc journey that I couldn’t mention to anyone in real life.  Google wasn’t really any help and if by getting it down it helps one other person feel “normal” it’s worth it

Sadly there are a number of night I have lain in bed silently crying wondering how horrible I must be for all of this to be happening, the cause not another negative cycle or concerns about when I will get pregnant but whether Villa Boy still loves me  Villa Boy doesn’t do stress he is the most laid back man in the world but this whole ttc thing affected him in a way that neither of us would have expected, and in a way that is never talked about in real life.  He couldn’t finish having sex, not really ideal when you are trying to get pregnant but actually more importantly not very good for the ego, his or mine.

Everything would start off fine, working as it should and then bam it would go soft and could not be coaxed back into action. Of course the more it happened the more it became an issue,the more it became an issue the more it happened. I really didn’t know what to do and nor did he.  We talked about it, we didn’t talk about it, I initiated sex, I didn’t initiate sex. I asked him if he loved me, if he still fancied me, if he was sure he wanted children.  I wasn’t always calm I cried and shouted and sulked a bit, accused him of sleeping with someone else, that was a properly low point.  Of course that didn’t help matters and is not something I am particularly proud of but I have to admit I was completely flummoxed.   He assured me he did love me, he did fancy me still, and of course he wanted children. The accusation of having an affair really hurt him, he assures me he wasn’t and I believe him 100%, besides logically he doesn’t have time!

Then after about 3 months, although it felt like longer, he went to the doctor and got some Viagra. Of all the drugs involved in this journey that’s not really one that you want to admit too, especially not for the whole erection thing. Although it shouldn’t be anything to be ashamed of , it certainly doesn’t feel like something we wanted to talk about with anyone.  He asked me not to ask when he had taken the Viagra and we got back to it so to speak.  Things got better, he never went back for a repeat prescription as we seemed to have got over the hump. Now for the majority of the time things do work as they should. When it doesn’t logic says its stress, the failed ivf, whether to go again or not, me being so upset by it all and it’s no longer the end of the world.   I think it takes it’s toil on a guy having to be strong all the time and guys don’t talk about infertility with each other or have online outlets.

Now if you are reading this and have never had this happen you are probably thinking for gods sake women get a grip something is obviously wrong with your relationship, if you never had this issue before something has changed. He obviously feels pressured and doesn’t want children, or you are obviously now unattractive to him or he really is having an affair and lying to you. I know before this happened to us that’s probably what I would have thought. But I am not deluding myself it really isn’t the case it is just another unknown rubbish part of being infertile that no one talks about.

If you have had it happen or are going through it at the moment hopefully it will make you feel all is not lost and that it isn’t a relationship problem causing it. Most important hopefully it will make you feel not alone and not blame yourselves.  If it is happening get some help, admit it to the doctor, the more it festers the bigger a problem it becomes and it really doesn’t need to.


About thebarrenyears

I'm a 30 something girl trying and failing to get pregnant.
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4 Responses to Of things we should not speak

  1. msfertility says:

    Having been there myself (minus the accusation of an affair), my heart goes out to you! My husband definitely felt that trying for a baby took the fun and spontaneity out of sex – especially when my ovulation coincided with his late work nights. It was making both of us feel so terrible that sex actually became scary for a while. He was fine on his own, but once it came down to penetration, he would go soft. I felt all the things you felt – how could anyone not?! And he felt like less of a man, I’m sure.
    Finally, he went to the doctor and got a Cialis prescription. I hated that he had to take pills to have sex with me. The worst part was when even the pills wouldn’t completely work. Finally, we both had to have a non-blaming, non-pressured talk about all of it… reassuring one another about how much we love each other and how – even if we could never have sex again, we’d never leave the other person, or cheat on them! Sounds odd… but I think it actually helped to take the pressure off. After a few weeks, we tried again… and it was good 🙂 At the end of the day, we got pregnant through IVF, so the actual sex part wasn’t so crucial. But they were some tough times. Hang in there and remember to dig deep for that compassion for you and for Villa Boy!

    • I have a feeling it’s probably quite a common side effect of not getting pregnant, but just something that no one talks about. I think she says touching wood that it is behind us, infact I mentioned something the other day about it and Villa Boy has wiped it from his memories in the way only boys can lol!
      Glad that you too came out the other side

  2. That exact same thing happened to a friend. It was because of the pressure to “finish”. When they took conception off the table for a bit things returned to normal… I always joke with my hubby that we have always had multiple people in the room the three times we got pregnant, and we didn’t even have to have sex to get pregnant! Technically my husband had sex with himself for us to get pregnant. I think it is more of a passive aggessive attempt at laughing at myself… Comedy is the only thing we have – better than crawling into fetal position and crying about all this…

  3. Cbrain says:

    Hey. Just discovered your blog….cant figure out how tofollow it. Looks like you have a great databse of real life experience. Of course in a nice world we wouldnt be connecting like this.

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