You may or may not have noticed I’ve been a bit quiet lately. Not for any particular reason but I think a cumulative of things. About 10 weeks ago there was a very exciting rush of BFP’s on a lot of the blogs I follow. I was thrilled for all those concerned, but reading the early pregnancy posts really bought home how whilst achieving a BFP is a great start it really is only one more hurdle jumped. It brings with it a whole load more angst, worry, stress, strains and uneasiness. It scared me and I did that thing that is too easy to do on this journey and buried my head in some deep deep sand!
I suppose it shouldn’t have surprised me that what I am aiming for is to bring a baby home and that this infertility journey that I am on won’t be over until that point. Pregnancy is just another part of that journey.
Last week on the forum I belong to our community was once again rocked by a still born baby. It doesn’t happen often, but it happens too often and it never fails to draw our community together. This one was a pregnancy that had taken 3 years to achieve, had occurred post hsg and just before ivf was due to start, still births are always shocking but somehow when a pregnancy has been so longed for you like to think the universe really can’t be that cruel. In these situations I really wonder what sort of higher power, if one exists could be so cruel.
Now don’t get me wrong I am ready for the trails and tribulations that come with a BFP I think I am up to riding that roller coaster! I just long for those days when I believed that pregnancy ended with bringing home a baby. When I could speak to friends excited about their pregnancies without that nagging internal voice saying “how can they believe this will end in a baby?” or “how can they be so damn positive and not worry about miscarrying or something else going wrong?. Infertility mucks you up in so many ways many I don’t even allow myself to admit and when I do sometimes peak in it scares me.
So I bury my head and hope that all the pregnancies recently achieved end with a baby in a crib a home keeping those new parents awake all night. I feel so so sad for those that miscarry along the way, understanding the pain and lonliness that brings, and sensing the deep dark place it sucks you into. Then I keep hoping and dreaming that it’s our turn soon to get to experience the whole journey and not st the start.