Ongoing fears

You may or may not have noticed I’ve been a bit quiet lately. Not for any particular reason but I think a cumulative of things. About 10 weeks ago there was a very exciting rush of BFP’s on a lot of the blogs I follow. I was thrilled for all those concerned, but reading the early pregnancy posts really bought home how whilst achieving a BFP is a great start it really is only one more hurdle jumped. It brings with it a whole load more angst, worry, stress, strains and uneasiness. It scared me and I did that thing that is too easy to do on this journey and buried my head in some deep deep sand!

I suppose it shouldn’t have surprised me that what I am aiming for is to bring a baby home and that this infertility journey that I am on won’t be over until that point.  Pregnancy is just another part of that journey.

Last week on the forum I belong to our community was once again rocked by a still born baby. It doesn’t happen often, but it happens too often and it never fails to draw our community together. This one was a pregnancy that had taken 3 years to achieve, had occurred post hsg and just before ivf was due to start, still births are always shocking but somehow when a pregnancy has been so longed for you like to think the universe really can’t be that cruel. In these situations I really wonder what sort of higher power, if one exists could be so cruel.

Now don’t get me wrong I am ready for the trails and tribulations that come with a BFP I think I am up to riding that roller coaster!   I just long for those days when I believed that pregnancy ended with bringing home a baby. When I could speak to friends excited about their pregnancies without that nagging internal voice saying “how can they believe this will end in a baby?” or “how can they be so damn positive and not worry about miscarrying or something else going wrong?. Infertility mucks you up in so many ways many I don’t even allow myself to admit and when I do sometimes peak in it scares me.

So I bury my head and hope that all the pregnancies recently achieved end with a baby in a crib a home keeping those new parents awake all night.  I feel so so sad for those that miscarry along the way, understanding the pain and lonliness that brings, and sensing the deep dark place it sucks you into.  Then I keep hoping and dreaming that it’s our turn soon to get to experience the whole journey and not st the start.


About thebarrenyears

I'm a 30 something girl trying and failing to get pregnant.
This entry was posted in About me, Infertile Madness. Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to Ongoing fears

  1. dnwible says:

    You are 100% correct! I wish that a BFP always led to a beautiful baby… As someone who got a BFP a few weeks ago, I worry about everything from miscarriage to stillborn baby. I am doing everything to stay positive, but it’s very scary…

  2. I totally agree – one of the worst things about infertility is that you learn everything from unprotected sex not just meaning you get pregnant and that not every positive pregnancy test becomes a take home baby

  3. Izzy says:

    I understand your post completely…. we have almost hit the 12 week mark, and I am still fearful. My sister described it best when I sent her a text message that I was worried I would be scared my whole pregnancy… her response: “You will be. And when she is born, you will be afraid she will stop breathing ,and when she starts walking you will be afraid she will get hurt, and when she goes to school you will be afraid she won’t make friends. Welcome to mother-hood, it will always be scary, but beautiful and worth it.”

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